A few years ago, we went to dinner with some friends and spotted what we assumed was a five year old boy with a pacifier. Obviously, we all had something to say about that. How could a 5 year old still be using a pacifier? What were his parents doing? We would never let our kids do that! As usual, karma has come back to bite me in the ass and the universe has said fuck you.
Potty training is a bitch. There are no other words. We started and he usually does okay about going pee, although he is still not telling us when he has to go but when he starts dancing around like a fool, we can put two and two together. But the kid will not poop. He holds it for DAYS. And then when he can't hold it any longer, he starts leaking poop. He sharts. Then I do laundry all day and I get really pissed. Sometimes I can put him in the bath, which I guess relaxes him and I can watch his face and then put him on the toilet and he will go. But during these instances, I literally turn into a labor and delivery coach, my hands on his thighs yelling, "You can do it! PUSH! I can see it, keep going! Don't stop now." I mean, come the fuck on.
I'm not even asking for advice because I know it is some control thing on his part, and he won't do this forever, and blah blah blah. But right now? It sucks. And frankly I hate talking about it and then getting those "eyes" from another mom. You know the ones I'm talking about- they look a little concerned and empathetic, but they are really thinking, "I'm glad my kid doesn't do that." Well guess what mom at the park--- you better hold on to your hats. Because I would have never thought my kid would literally leak shit. Your kid my not have any bathroom issues, but he or she will do something else that is just as awful. Or worse.
I'm tired. Just like I'm sure that pacifier mom was tired. Tired of trying to stay positive. Tired of the negotiations. Of the bribing. I'm tired of relinquishing all control to my three year old. And I'm tired of washing all of his laundry.
So, if you see us at the park in three years and we are still wearing diapers, I hope you won't judge. I hope you will offer me a beer you have conveniently packed in your park cooler. Because (1) I like beer and (2) I like moms who drink during the day and (3) if Paul is still in diapers at age 6, I'll obviously need one. Or an entire case.