Paul and Charlie- Listen Up!!!

Dear Paul and Charlie,
Remember when I carried you around for 9 months in my belly?  And I only allowed myself one cup of coffee?  And I didn't get to drink any WINE??? Remember when I gave birth to you?  And remember how much I love you and kiss you and think you are the best two dudes in the universe?

To celebrate my dedication to motherhood, I probably need these items from Nordstroms.  Because nothing shows love like clothes and jewelry.

PS- show your dad this list.  I don't want either of you learning to use my credit card just yet.

xo
Mom


TOMS sandal 



This cute maxi dress I obviously need to look cute this summer when I'm taking you to the park and pool. 

 
This cute wrap

This jacket 



These nice earrings 

Happy Mother's Day!

Figured It Out!

This list about what moms really want for Mother's Day is perfect and hilarious! Maybe I do want ALL of these things.  Enjoy!

1. I don't want to wipe a single ass all day. I think all kids should have to hold in their poop in on Mothers Day. Now that would make it special.

2. I want brunch. But not with the whole frigging family. I want brunch with my other mommy friends. See ya, rugrats. Mommy's coming back drunk on laughter and bloody marys.

3. I want to sleep in. But not with my hooligans shouting MOMMYYYYYY!!! at the top of their lungs and ramming one of those giant cannon thingies into the door to bust inside. To all the hubbies reading this: when the rugrats wake up, take them outside immediately. Not downstairs. OUTSIDE. That's right, scoop them up in a football hold and rush them out the door. I'm Fing serious. Change their diapers and their clothes on the front lawn if you have to. Just don't let them wake my ass up.

4. I want a card. But not a stupid Hallmark card. I want one of those awesome homemade ones made with macaroni. Only I want the macaroni cooked and poured into a bowl and covered with a delicious cream sauce and paired with a giant bottle of red wine.

5. Jewelry jewelry jewelry. Unless its one of those stupid necklaces made with cheap plastic beads. None of that shit. Unless Tiffanys is suddenly selling overpriced plastic bead necklaces. That can be returned for money. Because I don't want to exchange it and the only thing I can afford is a stupid ass pen or keychain.

6. I want you to cook breakfast for me. In someone elses kitchen.

7. I want to pee and poop alone. I will prepare for the day by downing a tanker truck full of liquid and eating ridiculous amounts of fiber.

8. I want chocolate. But not just any ole chocolate. I want the kind that someone has taken a fat Sharpie to and blacked out the Fing calorie section.

9. I want a good present. Like one Ill really like. Its not the thought that counts. Its MY thought that counts. And my thought should not be WTF?

10. I want ten Leave me the F alone coupons with no expiration date.

Dear Paul,

Hey Buddy!
I don't know if you are aware, but Mother's Day is just around the corner.  A time to celebrate me pushing you out of my body without ANY drugs.  Do you remember that?  I sure do.  The memory of that pain has not subsided.  At all.  But I have a little idea.  Something that could possibly ease the image of me throwing up everywhere on the way to the hospital.  It could help erase the fact that you wanted to come out so fast that every single person ignored my pleas for an epidural.  I think this little beauty says, "Hello, Mother.  Thanks for giving me life."  Don't you agree?

 

found here 

Love, 

Mom

 

P.S. Don't forget to tell your dad about this!!